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February5

I went to London this weekend for a friends 30th Birthday party. She held it in a hall and raised money for a chosen charity. I haven’t been to London for years, and so to go up houston carpet cleaning on my own felt great! I know it sounds a bit sad, but it was definitely something I needed to do!

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And I’m glad I did ACLS Recertification – I had the most amazing time!! We wedding photographer singapore all got our hair done at a fantastic hairdressers – the guy who did it was Italian and very sexy! He’s done lots of celebrities hair and he made ours look great. I never thought I’d say this, but the experience has left me seriously considering moving there for a year. I’ve been looking into certain jobs and have found a couple.The Party

I met some amazing people, as well as old friends. It was great. I also met Joanna Lumley – she was very cool! 

I went to Victoria, Waterloo, Peckham Rye and some other places that I can’t remember! I got on a random train on my own and made my way through some of London lugging a huge suitcase. It was liberating!

On the way back at Victoria Station, I asked the man next to me if he’d watch my suitcase while I went to the loo – the people around looked at me like I was crazy! But my suitcase was still there when I got back! It’s good to put a little trust in strangers – it shows there’s decent people about….

indi-pen x

LIVE

January21

I’m just pondering about life and how very precious it is. I am feeling so happy at the moment. It’s a kind of euphoria. It just makes me think even more how lucky I am to have who and what I have in my life. I feel so excited about life and the way it is going.

It sounds a bit weird, but the only feeling I can liken it to is the feeling I had when I was travelling around New Zealand – everything was so beautiful and I was just so happy and free. I appreciated and saw everything around me, to it’s tiny little detail.

Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed because I want to do so many things that I feel passionately about – mainly writing and books! I see my life before me so clearly and I see who’s in it. It’s perfect to me and I’m in love with it : )

I just wanted to share it with anyone who wants to read it…

Life is wonderful. LIVE.

x

Time really is a healer… sometimes quicker than you expect!

January7

Just a quick update.. I am feeling so happy, I genuinely feel on top of the world! I haven’t felt like this for a very long time and it is so liberating. I’m so excited about what the future holds for me. I’ve started writing again and have had a fantastic conversation about a possible book opportunity working with a dear friend of mine.

Life is good and life is fresh!

: ) xxx

Deceit..

January4

On New Years Eve I found out my boyfriend of one year had been sleeping with his ex the whole time we were together. He always maintained they hadn’t spoken for two and a half years. I feel so many different emotions.

Throughout our ‘relationship’ there were lots of things that pointed towards deceit, but because he came across as a decent man with strong morals, it confused me. Most of all, he was very clever at hiding the real him. The cracks started to show, especially near the end.

I saw a text on his phone from his ex that said: “Happy New Year, if you’re not where you say you are tonight then I hate you.”

In a panic he told me that he’d bumped into her in town and they’d had a coffee. He said she’d asked what he was doing for NY and he’d lied and told her he was going to see his friend in Northhampton – because he didn’t want to ‘upset her.’

If it was true that he hadn’t spoken to her in two and a half years, the poor woman wouldn’t have sent such a message. It was obvious there was something much bigger going on. He even tried to say she was a bunny boiler. I felt so sorry for her that she obviously had no idea either.

He used to get so angry with me for putting up pictures of him and I on facebook, he’d be adament it was because he hated facebook – even though he was on it until we got together and then mysteriously came off. I now know why.

He had told his ex the same thing. And when she became suspicious of me (she knew we’d dated before) she saw a picture of us on my facebook and confronted him – to which he said he’d ‘bumped into me and the picture was taken by someone else.’

In actual fact my sister had taken the photo when he came down to see me on Dickensian Evening the Christmas before last. He also told his ex that he got one of his friends to tell me to take the picture down because it had upset her. But it was him who shouted and gave me grief, until I felt bad for having it up.

He left me on the floor in tears on his 30th birthday after an arguement about facebook  -  I’d taken him away for a week and when I put the pictures up – he hit the roof. He’d also written in his works diary about doing work for his ex.

When I asked him about it he said his sister had seen her in town and she’d mentioned she wanted some work done and he’d written it in there in case she called him. He still maintained he hadn’t spoken to her for years.

A few months previous to this I’d seen a missed call from his ex and he got so angry with me saying I should trust him and without trust there was nothing.  He said she’d called because she wanted some work done on her house. He said he’d not spoken to her or done the work.

The birthday photo’s went up on my facebook under an album titled: “Baz’ 30th Bday – minus Baz because he hates Facebook.”

I remember feeling so embarrassed that they were all of me, and none of him.

When I couldn’t get hold of him he’d say he’d left his phone on charge or he was out of reception. Sometimes he said he was at friends houses. I always thought it was strange how he’d answer his phone sometimes and not at others, claiming not to hear it. It turns out he was with his ex.

He told her not to phone him after 10pm – we’d speak everynight at 10.30pm for a couple of hours. I remember once he was engaged for an hour and 45 minutes – when he eventually phoned me back he said he’d been on the phone to a friend who was upset about breaking up with his girlfriend. He then suddenly said he had to go because ‘his friend’ was trying to get through again…His ex told me he once had a go at her for calling after 10pm.

We actually broke up in October. Just before my 30th birthday he finished with me over the phone – ironically because I had questioned where he said he’d been (another night I couldn’t get hold of him.) He phoned me the next day and said I’d pushed him away.

For the next five days he phoned me in tears saying he didn’t know what he was doing and he didn’t know if he wanted to move yet (we’d been looking at places to live all year and I’d been waiting for him to move.) He told me he knew he didn’t want to lose me, that he wanted me and said it wasn’t his feelings for me he was doubting.

I told him I couldn’t be with someone who had to think about it that much. My mistake was not walking away then. He kept in touch with me, even when I asked him not to. I found it hard to let go and after a while I started to soften.

He said he wanted to be with me and when I said I was willing to give it another go – he said he thought it was best if we waited until he moved down. That never felt good enough for me and again, I ignored my gut. We continued to speak most days and every time he’d said how much he loved and missed me.

A few weeks ago he text to say he was going out with friends, but that he’d call when he got in if it wasn’t too late. I said it was fine whatever time he called. I heard nothing all night. In the morning he phoned me and said he’d stayed at a male friends house and left his phone behind because it ‘had frozen.’

It turned out he spent the night in a hotel with his ex. He’d gone to her Christmas works party (his old work.) He told her he’d left his phone at home, on charge. He made me feel bad for questioning him the next day. When I started talking about how taken for granted I felt, he got angry with me and snapped: “I haven’t got the head for this right now, I’m going to go. I need to get out of these clothes.” When he said that I felt like something had thumped me in the stomach. I guess that was quite literally my gut trying to tell me I could not trust him. I knew then something was wrong.

He used to shout at me so loudly and hang up and then ignore my calls  - usually if I was questioning something that just felt wrong.

I have spoken to his ex who has confirmed everything to me – that they were never out of touch, that she didn’t know he was with me, that sometimes they would go for a coffee.  She said he had sex with her the day he came down to see me last weekend. I felt so violated.

I remember once saying to him that if he was doing all the things I was paranoid about, it would make him the most calculated and evil person – I also said that if he was, then he never really had me because he would know that I would never be with a person like that.

Although it might sound strange that I would say something like that to someone I was with, I think I was protecting myself.  He seemed so offended that I would suggest things – he said he would never do that to me.

He made me think it was because I had ‘insecurities from past relationships.’

I welcomed him into my life, he met my family, my friends, everything. He never invited me to raspberry ketones where he lived – we had a long distance relationship (London and me in Devon) – I waited a year for him to move down – and he kept putting hurdles in the way. I started to feel embarrassed when friends began to ask me when he was coming

He used to make me feel bad for not visiting him and whenever I suggested it, he’d have a reason why I couldn’t. I thought he was embarrassed of his family, so I didn’t push it.

After we broke up I sent him a text to apologise for never coming up – I felt guilty that I hadn’t been to see him. He actually sent me a reply saying he wished I’d made it up, if only once… He never had any intension of ever having me there.

I have felt very angry and sad that this person could treat me, deliberately, cycling holidays morzine this way. It was very calculated, but what scares me the most is how different he is to how he comes across – and also how the people in his life (and old friends of mine) have no idea who he really is. I feel worried for them and I wish I could show them 5 Htp For Weight Loss somehow

It feels like I was going out with a conman. It’s the most horrible feeling when you realise that everything you thought was real, never really was.

I do feel very relieved to know the truth. The one thing I will take from this is my intuition and my gut was right all along. All those nudges and feelings, physically and emotionally, were real. My whole body was trying to tell me to listen. I am seo services ashamed to say I ignored it, because I didn’t want to believe it could be true – and also because I am a kind person, with a good heart

I will now make all my decisions based on my intuition.

The funny thing is I was not happy for a long time. I only really felt happy in the begining. I don’t know why I didn’t listen to myself.

I think if you look into someone’s eyes and you don’t feel pulled into them, then that says a lot.

I won’t ever ignore the truth again.

What I find particularly hard is that he hasn’t had the decency to say sorry. I guess why would he if he was capable of treating me like this in first place  - no decent person would do that and I guess saying sorry would mean admitting it. It just shows him to be even more callous.

I was worried about writing such personal things in my blog – I was embarrassed about how it might look, if I might look gullible or silly for being fooled – but I’m not worried anymore. I wasn’t fooled in the end. Writing this down helps me to move on and it also helps me to see that none of this was my fault. It was his.

I’m emailing him a link to this blog  - maybe he’ll read it, maybe he won’t. It might help him to though.

I won’t change into a bitter person, who doesn’t trust. I love who I am. I only feel pity for this person. He has a sad life, a lonely life, which he fills with lies and deceit. I can only guess he is hugely insecure and he must not like himself at all. I hope one day he is buy instagram followers able to heal himself and get better

As for me, I am moving on. I feel stronger senior life insurance every day and at last I feel happy. I’m so lucky to have a wonderful life, full of special and true people. I am blessed. I’m so excited about moving into this new stage in my life… and falling in love and meeting someone special : )

People, and dogs…

November13

Sorry it’s been such a while since I last blogged – I’ve had a few personal things going on so I’ve found it difficult to write. All I’d like to say is how important family, friends, people and dogs are when you are going through a difficult time. It’s amazing how they can lift your spirits.

I had the pleasure of looking after a friends dog for a couple of days and it couldn’t have come at a better time. Milly, a ten year old springer spaniel, came with me everywhere – she came to work, came to see my friends and family and also slept in my bed. She was great and she seemed to know that I was feeling sad. She really helped me and just being able to take her out for walks on the moors made me smile.

Family, friends and people are also so important – it’s amazing how much better you feel having them around you – especially friends and family. Quite honestly I don’t know what I’d do without mine. I am blessed to have them.

x

Best decision I’ve made..

September26

Hi,

It’s been two weeks tomorrow that I came off Facebook and it was the best decision I ever made! I am so glad I’m not on there!!

For me it’s actually been a really positive thing. I’m finding I’m able to move on from stuff that was negative and not doing me any good. It’s so nice not seeing all the ‘showy off’ stuff anymore and I’ve been more social (in person) than when I was on it!!

It’s much more REAL in real life!

It’s also really nice to have my privacy back – no one knows my business now unless I chose to tell them! (I know I have this, but i’m a writer so it’s a must I’m afraid, and I can still keep my private life private!)

So, for all those who want to come off Facebook; do it!!

x

Friend or Foe?

September16

Hey,

When I left FB I emailed some people my number because I didn’t want to lose contact – and in a way it helped me still feel connected. There was a strange feeling that came with shutting down my account -it sounds daft but it was like; ‘I’m going it alone!’ (haha)

Obviously all my close friends have my number and I see them outside of the internet world, but I guess with some I just thought it would be nice to stay in touch (either that or I have attachment issues and I don’t like letting go of the past!)

So far six of them have contacted me – haha, you know who your friends are! ; )

indi-pen x

Real Life…

September16

Hello,

Another reason I have debt collection come off FB is because I realised it makes you look at other people’s lives and think they are so happy and living life to the full! When in actual fact they, like me, were sitting there in front of a computer screen putting pictures up and ‘telling’ everyone how great everything is…. hmmm, really?!

indi-pen x

Day Three (off Facebook)

September16

Hey,

I had about 350 ‘friends’ on FB and if I’m honest most of them were not friends at all. I seriously think social networking is taking over real life – it’s quite fake and stops people from interacting in person or over the phone.

I spoke to a (real) friend the other day who said she realised she’d have to make more of a conscious effort to stay in touch with me now that I am not on there. It works both ways.

indi-pen x

Facebook

September16

Hey,

Two days ago I made the very ‘difficult’ decision to come of Facebook! I know, sad isn’t it?! But I’ve been on it since 2006 and I’ve been trying to get off it for a couple of years!  I find it so annoying that people have this urge to tell everyone what they are doing. Why do we feel the need to prove stuff so much? And who to, ourselves?

I will be following up my new life off facebook!…

indi-pen x

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