On New Years Eve I found out my boyfriend of one year had been sleeping with his ex the whole time we were together. He always maintained they hadn’t spoken for two and a half years. I feel so many different emotions.
Throughout our ‘relationship’ there were lots of things that pointed towards deceit, but because he came across as a decent man with strong morals, it confused me. Most of all, he was very clever at hiding the real him. The cracks started to show, especially near the end.
I saw a text on his phone from his ex that said: “Happy New Year, if you’re not where you say you are tonight then I hate you.”
In a panic he told me that he’d bumped into her in town and they’d had a coffee. He said she’d asked what he was doing for NY and he’d lied and told her he was going to see his friend in Northhampton – because he didn’t want to ‘upset her.’
If it was true that he hadn’t spoken to her in two and a half years, the poor woman wouldn’t have sent such a message. It was obvious there was something much bigger going on. He even tried to say she was a bunny boiler. I felt so sorry for her that she obviously had no idea either.
He used to get so angry with me for putting up pictures of him and I on facebook, he’d be adament it was because he hated facebook – even though he was on it until we got together and then mysteriously came off. I now know why.
He had told his ex the same thing. And when she became suspicious of me (she knew we’d dated before) she saw a picture of us on my facebook and confronted him – to which he said he’d ‘bumped into me and the picture was taken by someone else.’
In actual fact my sister had taken the photo when he came down to see me on Dickensian Evening the Christmas before last. He also told his ex that he got one of his friends to tell me to take the picture down because it had upset her. But it was him who shouted and gave me grief, until I felt bad for having it up.
He left me on the floor in tears on his 30th birthday after an arguement about facebook - I’d taken him away for a week and when I put the pictures up – he hit the roof. He’d also written in his works diary about doing work for his ex.
When I asked him about it he said his sister had seen her in town and she’d mentioned she wanted some work done and he’d written it in there in case she called him. He still maintained he hadn’t spoken to her for years.
A few months previous to this I’d seen a missed call from his ex and he got so angry with me saying I should trust him and without trust there was nothing. He said she’d called because she wanted some work done on her house. He said he’d not spoken to her or done the work.
The birthday photo’s went up on my facebook under an album titled: “Baz’ 30th Bday – minus Baz because he hates Facebook.”
I remember feeling so embarrassed that they were all of me, and none of him.
When I couldn’t get hold of him he’d say he’d left his phone on charge or he was out of reception. Sometimes he said he was at friends houses. I always thought it was strange how he’d answer his phone sometimes and not at others, claiming not to hear it. It turns out he was with his ex.
He told her not to phone him after 10pm – we’d speak everynight at 10.30pm for a couple of hours. I remember once he was engaged for an hour and 45 minutes – when he eventually phoned me back he said he’d been on the phone to a friend who was upset about breaking up with his girlfriend. He then suddenly said he had to go because ‘his friend’ was trying to get through again…His ex told me he once had a go at her for calling after 10pm.
We actually broke up in October. Just before my 30th birthday he finished with me over the phone – ironically because I had questioned where he said he’d been (another night I couldn’t get hold of him.) He phoned me the next day and said I’d pushed him away.
For the next five days he phoned me in tears saying he didn’t know what he was doing and he didn’t know if he wanted to move yet (we’d been looking at places to live all year and I’d been waiting for him to move.) He told me he knew he didn’t want to lose me, that he wanted me and said it wasn’t his feelings for me he was doubting.
I told him I couldn’t be with someone who had to think about it that much. My mistake was not walking away then. He kept in touch with me, even when I asked him not to. I found it hard to let go and after a while I started to soften.
He said he wanted to be with me and when I said I was willing to give it another go – he said he thought it was best if we waited until he moved down. That never felt good enough for me and again, I ignored my gut. We continued to speak most days and every time he’d said how much he loved and missed me.
A few weeks ago he text to say he was going out with friends, but that he’d call when he got in if it wasn’t too late. I said it was fine whatever time he called. I heard nothing all night. In the morning he phoned me and said he’d stayed at a male friends house and left his phone behind because it ‘had frozen.’
It turned out he spent the night in a hotel with his ex. He’d gone to her Christmas works party (his old work.) He told her he’d left his phone at home, on charge. He made me feel bad for questioning him the next day. When I started talking about how taken for granted I felt, he got angry with me and snapped: “I haven’t got the head for this right now, I’m going to go. I need to get out of these clothes.” When he said that I felt like something had thumped me in the stomach. I guess that was quite literally my gut trying to tell me I could not trust him. I knew then something was wrong.
He used to shout at me so loudly and hang up and then ignore my calls - usually if I was questioning something that just felt wrong.
I have spoken to his ex who has confirmed everything to me – that they were never out of touch, that she didn’t know he was with me, that sometimes they would go for a coffee. She said he had sex with her the day he came down to see me last weekend. I felt so violated.
I remember once saying to him that if he was doing all the things I was paranoid about, it would make him the most calculated and evil person – I also said that if he was, then he never really had me because he would know that I would never be with a person like that.
Although it might sound strange that I would say something like that to someone I was with, I think I was protecting myself. He seemed so offended that I would suggest things – he said he would never do that to me.
He made me think it was because I had ‘insecurities from past relationships.’
I welcomed him into my life, he met my family, my friends, everything. He never invited me to where he lived – we had a long distance relationship (London and me in Devon) – I waited a year for him to move down – and he kept putting hurdles in the way. I started to feel embarrassed when friends began to ask me when he was coming.
He used to make snowmobile rentals me feel bad for not visiting him and whenever I suggested it, he’d have a reason why I couldn’t. I thought he was embarrassed of his family, so I didn’t push it.
After we broke up I sent him a text to apologise for never coming up – I felt guilty that I hadn’t been to see him. He actually sent me a reply saying he wished I’d made it up, if only once… He never had any intension of ever having me there.
I have felt very angry and sad that this person could treat me, deliberately, this way. It was very calculated, but what scares me the most is how different he is to how he comes across – and also how the people in his life (and old friends of mine) have no idea who he really is. I feel worried for them and I wish I could show them somehow.
It feels like I was going out with a conman. It’s the most horrible rust beta keys feeling when you realise that everything you thought was real, never really was.
I do feel very relieved to know the truth. The one thing I will take from this is my intuition and my gut was right all along. All those nudges and feelings, physically and emotionally, were real. My whole body was trying to tell me to listen. I am ashamed to say I ignored it, because I didn’t want to believe it could be true – and also because I am a kind person, with a good heart.
I will now make all my decisions based on my intuition.
The funny thing is I was not happy for a long time. I only really felt happy in the begining. I don’t know why I didn’t listen to myself.
I think if you look KWL Collects into someone’s eyes and you don’t feel pulled into them, then that says a lot.
I won’t ever ignore the truth again.
What I find particularly hard is that he hasn’t had the decency to say sorry. I guess why would he if he was capable of treating me like this in first place - no decent person would do that and I guess saying sorry would mean admitting it. It just shows him to be even more callous.
I was worried about writing such personal things in my blog – I was embarrassed about how it might look, if I might look gullible or silly for being fooled – but I’m not worried anymore. I wasn’t fooled in the end. Writing this down helps me to move on and it also helps me to see that none of this was my fault. It was his.
I’m emailing him a link to this blog - maybe he’ll read it, maybe he won’t. It might help him to though.
I won’t change into a bitter person, who doesn’t trust. I love who I am. I only feel pity for this person. He has a sad life, a lonely life, which he fills with lies and deceit. I can only guess he is hugely insecure and he must not like himself at all. I hope one day he is able to heal himself and get better.
As for me, I am moving on. I feel stronger senior life insurance every day and at last I feel happy. I’m so lucky to have a wonderful life, full of special and true people. I am blessed. I’m so excited about moving into this new stage in my life… and falling in love and meeting someone special : )